Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
