What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
