yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize