So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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