all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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