I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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