In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
