I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
