New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
