Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
