I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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