I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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