you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
