if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wish there were birth control emojis
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
