I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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