I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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