just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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