yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
