piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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