I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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