So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
