Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
