you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
