Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
