A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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