I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
