I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
