I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
