you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
