i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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