Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
