So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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