I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
