cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize