oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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