The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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