she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
