I wish you could order shots online.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize