I met the friendliest cop last night
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
