I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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