Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
