She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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