Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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