I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
