i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Boobs speak an international language.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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