Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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