I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
