I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
