1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize