I think my fart just growled at me.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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