Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize