I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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