i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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