I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
