you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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