Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
