Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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