I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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