I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
