I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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