there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
