my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize