Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
