I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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