i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
